Dear Ned,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I'm in love with your sister. I think I realized it when I threw up outside of Chicago and I saw you sit on the crazy monk. I'm sure you're scarred enough to understand that Santa doesn't exist. I'm returning your ring to you, but I'll keep the oil stocks as a memory. You should also know that I told in my confession today about our friendship.

Best regards,
-deN

dude.